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Abandonment with no explanation~CEN

2/9/2021

Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)
Childhood emotional neglect is a failure of parents or caregivers to respond to a child’s emotional needs. This type of neglect can have long-term consequences, as well as short-term, almost immediate ones.

People who are emotionally neglected as children grow up to be adults who must deal with the consequences. Because their emotional needs weren’t validated as children, they may not know how to deal with their emotions when they occur.
The most common effects of childhood neglect in adulthood include:

post-traumatic stress disorder
depression
emotional unavailability
increasing likelihood for an eating disorder
shunning intimacy
feeling deeply, personally flawed
feeling empty
poor self-discipline
guilt and shame
anger and aggressive behaviors
difficulty trusting others or relying upon anyone else

Adults who experienced childhood emotional neglect may also become parents who neglect their children emotionally. Never having learned the importance of their own emotions, they may not know how to nurture emotions in their children.
Effective treatment and understanding their own experiences of neglect can help people of all ages overcome the effects of emotional neglect in the short-term and prevent future complications as well.

Here is link for video below: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjP9WkRt7tE&feature=youtu.be

ACTION STEP: Stop the cycle. Get help. Pray. Ask a trusted friend or counselor for help. Call you pastor. Your feelings are important, but so are the feelings of others. Just because you toughed it out does not mean you are okay or that others can be expected to tough it out too.Childhood emotional neglect can damage a child’s self-esteem and emotional health. It teaches them their feelings are not important. The consequences of this neglect can be deep and last a lifetime.

Treatment for childhood emotional neglect can help children who were neglected overcome the feelings of emptiness and inability to handle their emotions. Likewise, parents can learn to better relate to their children and prevent the cycle from happening again.

I believe in you, and you need to believe in you too. There is hope!

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Get out of Jail Free Card

2/8/2021

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You are probably asking yourself, "What is a Get out of Jail Free card?" Have you ever played Monopoly? In the game you drawl a card. The card tells you how many spaces to move or it gives you other benefits or penalties. One of the cards say, "Get out of jail free." So, if you roll the dice or pick up a card that says go to jail, you can use this card to get out and not miss your next roll opportunity.

What does this have to do with being abandoned? Everything. When you have been abandoned by someone you love especially at an early age, you learn ways to protect yourself from being hurt again. You give people permission to leave your life before they have ever even had the thought of leaving. By giving them this unseen card verbally, or by your actions, they can feel hurt or dismissed, or even angry; because in reality they desired to stay and have a relationship with you.

I did this unknowingly. I would say things like, "Oh you don't have to call me back I know your busy." "It's okay if you don't ________ I know this is just your job." Well, among many other things you may say, you may just not answer their phone calls, emails, or text. After all if they don't answer you back those feelings of abandonment return. The triggers of abandonment arise like wack a mole, and you try to smash them--yet they pop up over and over again.

Too see video below view in your Browser or click here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4U-6zRsx3XU&feature=em-lsb-owner

ACTION STEP: Stop the cycle. Allow people to tell you if they want some space, don't have time or want to be a friend. You and I are not mind readers. Assume the best. Part of living is being hurt. The past does not have to repeat itself. You are not in the same place you were when the abandonment or rejection took place. Talk to yourself. Say things like, "They did not imply they wanted a, "Get out of relationship with me for free card," why am I wanting to hand them one?" Tell yourself, give them a chance and see what happens. I know it's scary, but people need people. I believe in you and I need you to believe in yourself! Life is not a game of Monopoly.

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Trauma talk.

2/5/2021

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Philippians 4:17
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

This is a real and unedited "Closet Talk" with a friend. Get a bath towel because this is not just a tissue episode, this is a God moment. We allowed ourselves to be naked and unashamed. I am grateful for Pastor Diane Mullins from Calvary Church. Check her out at https://www.calvarychurchhamilton.org/ She is willing to speak at your churches or gatherings.

ACTION STEP: Embrace your relationship with the Lord and allow Him to bring healing to you. Ask for help from others. Embrace friendship. Take off your masks. Make the choice to face you. You're either going to face things, or continue to fight, freeze or flee. I ran when no one was chasing me. Don't wait until you're as old as I am. Do it now. Everyday was work for me, because I was trying to hold it together and be all things to all people. There was a rest I needed to enter into. God has that resting place for you too. I believe in you and I need you to believe in yourself.

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All or nothing thinking caused by abandonment.

2/4/2021

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“Share your weaknesses. Share your hard moments. Share your real side. It'll either scare away every fake person in your life or it will inspire them to finally let go of that mirage called "perfection," which will open the doors to the most important relationships you'll ever be a part of.”
― Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

Today, at the end of the video I will be sharing a video from Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes. I found her doing so research and decided rather than doing a video myself I would include her's. I will be back with you tomorrow with my own YouTube and I will have a surprise for you!

ACTION STEP: If you are wanting to learn more I am including a YouTube video. Chew up the meat and spit out the fat as I don't know this person and am neither endorsing her or dissing her. I am simply sharing the information that I too am learning from. Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRiv4DR9rzw

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Do the hard work. Believe in yourself.

2/3/2021

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Romans 11:29
“The gifts and call of God are irrevocable.”

God does not reverse, or repeal, or cancel His call. The whole point of an omnipotent call that creates what it commands is to guarantee God’s invincible purpose in the lives of His people.

When Christians ask about calling or vocation, it usually means, “Is God calling me to a particular job, profession or type of work?” The reason this question is so significant is because the work we do is important to God. If work is important, it makes sense to ask what work God wants us to do. In the Bible, God does call people to particular work, and gives all people various kinds of guidance for their work. Although Scripture seldom uses the word “call” to describe God’s guidance to jobs, occupations or tasks, these occurrences in the Bible do correspond to vocational “calling.” In the Bible, the concept of calling goes deeper than any one aspect of life, such as work. God calls people to become united with Him in every aspect of life. But this can only happen if we respond to Christ’s call to follow Him.

ACTION STEP: Respond to Father God today from the deepest part of your emotion. Allow Him to bring back that moment you just went to sleep because the pain was too great. You quit trying to be who God called you to be. You quit trying to operate in the gifts and calling God gave to you, so you could give them back to the world. Repent to God for giving up on yourself. Reach up to God and then out to others. I believe in you and you need to believe in yourself.

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Fears associated with Abandonment and Rejection.

2/2/2021

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Psalm 84:10-12 TPT
"For just one day of intimacy with you is like
a thousand days of joy rolled into one!
I’d rather stand at the threshold in front of the Gate Beautiful,
ready to go in and worship my God,
than to live my life without you
in the most beautiful palace of the wicked.
For the Lord God is brighter than the brilliance of a sunrise!
Wrapping himself around me like a shield,
he is so generous with his gifts of grace and glory.
Those who walk along his paths with integrity
will never lack one thing they need, for he provides it all!
O Lord of Heaven’s Armies,
what euphoria fills those who forever trust in you!"

The fear of intimacy, also sometimes referred to as intimacy avoidance or avoidance anxiety, is characterized as the fear of sharing a close emotional or physical relationship. People who experience this fear do not usually wish to avoid intimacy, and may even long for closeness, but frequently push others away or even sabotage relationships.
Fear of intimacy can stem from several causes, including certain childhood experiences such as a history of abuse or neglect, but many other experiences and factors may contribute to this fear as well. Overcoming this fear and anxiety can take time, both to explore and understand the contributing issues and to practice allowing greater vulnerability.

Risk factors for a fear of intimacy often stem back to childhood and the inability to securely trust parental figures, which leads to attachment issues. Experiences that may cause this include:

Enmeshed families: While enmeshed families may, on the surface, appear to be loving and supportive, boundaries and roles might be blurred and lead to issues with attachment, independence, and intimacy.
Emotional neglect: Parents who are physically but not emotionally available send the message to children that they (and by extension, others) can't be relied on.
Loss of a parent: People who have lost a parent through death, divorce, or imprisonment may be left with feelings of abandonment and may have a harder time forming romantic attachments as adults. Research has found that a fear of abandonment is associated with mental health problems and later anxiety in romantic relationships.
Parental illness: Illness in a parent can result in a feeling of not being able to rely on anyone but oneself, especially when it involves role reversal or the need to "play parent" and care for other siblings at a young age.
Parental mental illness: Research suggests that parental mental illness, such as narcissistic personality disorder, can affect attachment formation in children, which may result in insecure attachment and poor coping strategies in adulthood.
Parental substance use: Substance use issues can make it difficult for parents to provide consistent care, which can interfere with the formation of attachments.
Physical or sexual abuse: Abuse in childhood can make it difficult to form both emotional and sexual intimacy as an adult.
Neglect: People who experienced neglect as children may find it difficult to trust and rely on others, including intimate partners, as adults.
Verbal abuse: Children who are emotionally abused may grow into adults who fear being ridiculed or verbally abused if they share anything with others, which can lead to an inability to share things and be vulnerable in relationships with other people.

For more information you can visit this website https://www.verywellmind.com/fear-of-intimacy-2671818

To view the You Tube video click here and don't forget to subscribe to my channel. My goal for 2021 is 1000 viewers. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hp7bjvWwdjE&feature=youtu.be

ACTION STEP: Ask God to help you see how you have kept people out of your life? Ask people if they feel you have ever intentionally hurt them or kept them at a distance. Don't get defensive. Stay open to what they have to say. Then just think about what that shared. You do not have to response. Take your time.

Here is another great article for your continued study on our subject of abandonment. https://www.healthline.com/health/fear-of-intimacy#treatment

2 Peter 3:18 TPT
"But continue to grow and increase in God’s grace and intimacy with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. May he receive all the glory both now and until the day eternity begins. Amen!"

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Two sides of the coin of abandonment.

2/1/2021

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“I need you to feel good about me
so I can feel good about myself. I can’t handle you getting upset with me
because that means
I am bad and you will desert me.”

People who have experienced abandonment feel anything but self-assured. They feel lost, undesired, discarded, insignificant, and helpless. Abandonment is a traumatic shock to your emotional system because you are suddenly cut off from a significant relationship.

Consequently, life post-abandonment involves searching to fill this emotional void. Relationships turn into a minefield of rejection triggers. Your fear of abandonment runs the show and drives your partner away.

You are sensitive, clingy, rigid, manipulative, anxious, and obsessive. The more you overreact and need, the more you despise yourself. You feel ashamed of your desperation.

Because you rely on your partner for stability, you live defensively reacting to whatever your partner does. Basically, life feels out of your control, and you look to your partner to calm the storm.

No doubt that trauma fragments the soul. The journey to put yourself back together is no small feat. But somewhere along the way, you abandoned yourself. You stopped believing yourself. You relinquished your strength and gave your power away to someone else to fix you. You depend on someone else’s reassurance to be your source of peace.

To overcome abandonment, you must reclaim your power and take complete ownership of yourself. Your focus needs to shift from avoiding abandonment to building a strong self. Recovery is a process of letting go of feeling like a victim and accepting the belief that you are a powerful person.

ACTION STEP: 5 Ways to Overcome Abandonment Issues in Relationships

1. Get Clear on Emotional Responsibility

When your abandonment paranoia gets out of control, do you expect your partner to calm your anxiety? If you struggle with abandonment issues, you probably have an intense desire to feel taken care of. This feeling is completely legitimate; however, it will distort your paradigm of personal responsibility.

The deep emotional chasm you feel inside compels you to look to a relationship to be the answer to your problems. For example, you manage your fear of abandonment by placing the responsibility on someone else to behave a certain way to make you feel secure. You panic if that person doesn’t perform perfectly. Your partner becomes your anxiety reliever, and his reassurance is the basis of your security. Consequently, when your partner is having a bad week, you are an emotional wreck.

To stop this emotional reactivity, you need to assume complete ownership of your feelings. People will trigger your insecurities, but it’s not their job to make you feel better about yourself. It’s your responsibility to cultivate a healthy mind that believes the best of yourself.To insist that your partner be emotionally responsible for you is asking that person to take on something that is not within their power to do. Accept 100% accountability for your reactions instead of blaming someone else for your anxiety.

2. Correct Idealistic Expectations
Do you approach relationships with a consumer mentality? Do you assume it’s your partner’s job to fulfill all your needs? Subconsciously, people with an abandonment history are continuously looking to compensate for what they lost in childhood.

When people are hurt, they feel like they are owed something. Enter unrealistic expectations. The burden to repay the past emotional debt is often placed on the significant other. That person is put on a pedestal and clutched tightly. The relationship becomes addictive because that person possesses something you “need.”

Fear of abandonment and love addiction go hand in hand. Love addicts search for that constant “fix.” They use people to make them feel whole. They rely on their partner to be their source of well-being. Unfortunately, the relationship “high” only medicates pain temporarily. For one, this expectation puts an immense amount of pressure on one person. Secondly, you will encounter disappointment because no human being can satisfy every longing in your heart.

To break this toxic dependency, you must change the way you primarily get your needs met. What would it look like if you took full responsibility for your happiness? You need to invest in yourself and purposely create the life you desire. For some, this looks like seeking after God, working with a therapist, joining a small group, traveling, exercising, creating new life goals, learning a new skill, diversifying relationships, or starting a new career.

3. Learn to Self-Validate
Most people who struggle with fear of abandonment are highly reliant on external validation to make them feel confident. They operate from the belief, “I need constant reinforcement to verify that people love me so I can feel good about myself.”

Abandonment wrecks your self-esteem so naturally that there is a huge appeal to look to other people to be your primary source of validation. A deep yearning resides inside your soul to be told, “You’re okay.” There is nothing wrong with accepting affirmation. The problem lies when you cannot function without it and continually need people to resuscitate you emotionally.Do you crumble when your partner disagrees or disapproves of you? Do you spin out of control when you get criticized? The fact is, sometimes we don’t receive the positive feedback we desire. What would it be like if your mood was not controlled by people’s words and behaviors?
Don’t give people the power to determine your self-worth. Learn to anchor yourself instead of relying on others to prop you up. Approval-seeking is a fruitless endeavor; it will never satisfy. Besides, no amount of praise will convince you of your significance if you don’t believe it yourself. When you self-validate, it will force you to get clear on who you really are instead of defining yourself based on how people treat you.

4. Be Authentic
Have you discarded your true self? Do you misrepresent yourself or hold back in relationships? Abandonment can disrupt the development of a person’s individuality because they believe the lie that says they are not good enough. As a result, they adopt counterfeit identities, and their sense of self becomes fluid. They often adjust themselves to fit the desires of people around them.

Individuals who struggle with fear of abandonment are afraid to be authentic in relationships because they think their differences will threaten the stability of the connection. They are willing to lose themselves in exchange for approval and attention. Instead of genuineness, they aim for a watered-down, palatable version of themselves to achieve “sameness.” They appease their partner to avoid causing waves. They believe one wrong word or mistake could cause the relationship to end.
People pleasing will result in a lifetime of walking on eggshells and putting up with bad behavior. Don’t compromise your originality. Abandoning yourself is a toxic preservation strategy. Resilient relationships are created when two differentiated people come together. Hold onto your sense of self in close relationships. Be brave enough to clearly define your identity. Commit to valuing yourself enough so you don’t sell out any longer.

5. Practice Self-Confrontation
Have you sacrificed your integrity to “save” a relationship? Most of the time, the worst in us comes out during conflict. Hurting people hurt others. Individuals who fear abandonment are masters at control. If they can manipulate people, then they can reduce their anxiety of abandonment.

Do you lie and tamper with the facts when your partner finds you at fault? Do you play the victim role to gain sympathy? When your partner confronts you, do you pretend to be confused? Do you shame your partner into spending time with you? Do you attack your partner’s weaknesses to get your way?

Most people would rather turn a blind eye and tolerate their depravity than acknowledge its existence. It’s much easier to blame your partner. “If only he noticed me.” “If she would just listen to me.”

The first person you need to confront is you. Individuals with a strong self admit when they are wrong. To heal from abandonment, you need to become a person who daily self-confronts and takes responsibility for how your actions hurt people.

Self-confrontation is a time of reflection where you examine if your attitudes and behaviors are out of alignment with your core values. You correct personal flaws and take ownership for bad behavior even if there are costs. You change not to get a “certain response” from your partner but to maintain your self-integrity.

The best in you stands up when you confront the worst in yourself. In return, you will gain much self-respect. Resolve to stop dodging responsibility because of your past. Stop blaming, justifying, or making excuses for bad behavior to save face. Just own it.

Take inventory of how unfairly you treat your partner. Boldly admit your culpability in the toxic relationship dynamic. Don’t accept more responsibility than is due, but own your part. Humbly confess your offenses to your partner. No doubt this move will disrupt the status quo, however, sometimes upheaval is necessary to create traction in areas of relationship gridlock.

ACTION STEP: The question remains: will you tolerate discomfort for the sake of growth? Building a strong self will stir up your anxiety. But each time you abstain from reassurance seeking and controlling behaviors, you strengthen your emotional muscles. Can you hold the line with yourself? When you start to over-depend on your partner, will you self-confront and readjust?

Use your relationship insecurity as an opportunity to learn how to transfer your pain into personal growth. What if this abandonment wound is an invitation for you to reorganize yourself into a resilient person? It is only when we test our capacity that we will discover the strength that resides in us.

I want to give credit to Amanda Rowett, MA, LMHC for the information in this article. Here is a link to her profile: https://seattlechristiancounseling.com/counselors/amanda-rowett

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How Childhood abandonment and emotional neglect affects adulthood.

1/29/2021

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Fathers have the power to make their children turn away in anger.
"Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."
Ephesians 6:4
The way you raise your child will impact their lives forever.
"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."
Proverbs 22:6

The emotionally neglected are some of the strongest adults I have ever met. Yes, it’s hard to believe, but there is a bright side to growing up emotionally ignored. So now I’d like to highlight the particular strengths you likely have if you grew up this way.

The Five Uncommon Strengths of the Emotionally Neglected…

1. Independent: Growing up you knew, even though it was perhaps never said out loud, that you were essentially on your own. Problem with a teacher? You solved it.
Conflict with a friend? You figured it out yourself. Your childhood was a training ground for self-sufficiency. Now, as an adult, you prefer to do things yourself. Because you’re so very competent, the great thing is that for the most part, you can.

2. Compassionate: As a child your feelings were far too often ignored. But that probably didn’t stop you from feeling for others. Research has shown that even young babies feel empathy. I have noticed that many people who were emotionally neglected in childhood have decreased access to their own feelings, but extra sensitivity to other people’s feelings. Compassion is a powerful, healing, and bonding force. And you have it in spades.

3. Giving: Having received a dearth of emotional acknowledgment and validation in childhood, you learned not to ask for things. Part of being independent and compassionate is that you are more aware of others’ needs than you are of your own. So now as an adult, you don’t ask for a lot, but you do give a lot.

4. Flexible: As a child, you were probably not often consulted.
Instead of being asked what you wanted or needed, you had no choice but to adjust to the situation at hand. So now, all grown up, you’re not demanding, pushy or controlling. Instead, you’re the opposite. You can go with the flow far better than most people. And you do.

5. Likable: The people of Childhood Emotional Neglect are some of the most likable in this world. Compassionate, giving and selfless, you are the one your friends seek out when they need help, advice or support. You are there for your family and friends, and maybe even strangers too. Others know that they can rely on you. Are you ever puzzled about why people like you? It’s because you have these five unmistakably lovable qualities. Many CEN people are secretly aware of their great strength, and value it in themselves.
I don’t need help,
I don’t need anything,
I can handle it,
I’ll take care of it,I
’ll be fine with whatever you decide
I’m strong,,,they say.

If this is true of you, the idea of changing yourself can be frightening. You don’t want to feel dependent on anyone, including a therapist, friend or spouse. You’re afraid of appearing needy, or weak, or helpless. You have a grave fear of becoming selfish. But here is the beauty of CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect): Your strengths are so enduring that you can make them even better by balancing them. So, you remain independent, but you lose your fear of depending on someone when you need to. You remain as competent as you’ve always been, but you’re OK with asking for help when you need it. You stay flexible and can go with the flow, but you are also aware and mindful of your own needs. You can still handle things. You’re just as strong as ever. More balanced and more open, you’re still loved and respected by all who know you. And the great thing is that now you also love and respect yourself.

Taken from article by Dr. Jonice Webb

ACTION STEP: Here is a another article to further understand how abandonment affects us as adults. https://www.myjoyonline.com/6-ways-childhood-abandonment-issues-affects-you-into-adulthood/#:~:text=%206%20ways%20childhood%20abandonment%20issues%20affects%20you,behaviors.%0AWhen%20you%20don%E2%80%99t%20know%20what%20to...%20More

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Emotionally neglected children produce emotionally neglected generations.

1/28/2021

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Is the “generational curse” real? Exodus 34:7 says that God “[visits] the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children's children, to the third and the fourth generation” (ESV).
This worries me because my family has some skeletons in the closet — and sometimes I think past sins are playing out again. Does God hold me responsible for something that someone else did?

For most of my life I have prided myself in always being there for others. However, as hard as I tried, I never felt like it was good enough. I was emotionally damaged. Emotionally neglected children grow up with a blind spot about emotions, their own as well as those of others. Through no fault of their own, when they become parents themselves, they’re not aware enough of the emotions of their own children, and they unwittingly raise their children to have the same blind spot. And so on and so on, through generation after generation.

So the world is full of people who always come through for others, who put their own needs aside. They paste those beaming smiles on their faces, put one foot in front of the other and soldier on, giving no hint of how they really feel. (See the Kelly Clarkson video below click here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRuTvA6sylU or view in your Browser)

ACTION STEP: There is more for me to say about childhood abandonment issues, however this article is so good and I don't want to plagiarize so, I have decided just to attach it. Visit me tomorrow for more. Please share, share, share and post and subscribe. My 2021 goal is to have 1,000 you tube viewers bringing wholeness to the Body of Christ one life at a time. Here is an article for your future study. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/abandonment-issues#seeking-help

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Memories of my Grandmother

1/27/2021

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“A grandmother is a mother who has a second chance.”
― Author Unknown

Why is it important to recover from CEN? (Childhood Emotional Neglect)

The way you are treated emotionally by your parents determines how you will treat yourself as an adult. This has been proven over and over again in study after study.
Emotion is an undeniable part of your biology. If you ignore your emotions, you will feel ignored on some level, no matter how much care you give yourself in other ways.
Emotion is the substance of all relationships. If you are not attending to your emotions, you are by-passing a vital source of connection and joy.
Emotional Intelligence has been proven to be more valuable to success in life and work than general intelligence. It’s extremely vital that you know how to name, use and manage emotion, as well as how to deal with it in others.
People who received emotional validation from their parents in childhood are generally able to provide it automatically to their own children. People who didn't receive it enough themselves will likely struggle to provide it as parents. It is vital to recognize what you didn't get yourself so that you can make conscious effort to learn the missing skills, fill your own blind spots, and give your children what you didn't get.

Dr. Jonice Webb
If you do not see the video below click here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUuaP_6S420&feature=emb_logo or view in your Browser. Thank you.

ACTION STEP: Embrace the memories you do have. If your having trouble ask God to give you a memory and wait for it. If we ask God for a fish he doesn't give us a serpent. If we ask the Lord for bread He doesn't give us a stone. God is a Father--a good, good, Father. Learn to embrace and care for your inner child. He or she is still in there. They may have a few wrinkles and cried a few tears, but that little child is still in there. Be good to yourself. Take care of yourself. Applaud yourself when you don't interrupt others, or give them a dismiss you card when they didn't ask for one. Tell yourself "Good job" when you finish the tasks you started. Give others the gift of your time. You can do this. I believe in you. I need you to believe in yourself.

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